If that title’s not clickbait, then I don’t want to be baited. Perhaps I should have titled it, “19 Marriage Hacks that GenXers Swear By. Number 18 is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO True.” Titles like those really seem to work well for Buzzfeed. I click on those articles. But only if the SOs break the 5+ mark—that’s the statistical threshold for an article you won’t regret. 

Say more about Buzzfeed

I like to imagine Buzzfeed has done some focus groups about these titles. “We’d like to thank you for participating in our focus group today. To start, when deciding to click on inane and pointless articles that suck away more life than they add, what words do you prefer to see repeated at an unhealthy level? And as a follow up, on a scale from unhealthy-but-clickable to Buzzfeed-titles-must-be-generated-by-drunk-AI, how would you rate the grammatical legitimacy of our titles?” 

Or maybe it’s just a couple dudes in a room trying to one up each other with stupid titles and seeing what they can get away with: “Bro. Jerry okayed this one! It’s just word salad with 15 repetitions and the word boomers in there.” Hats off to you, gentlemen. 

I, however, as a multi-degreed and published professional would never stoop to such levels. I’m keeping my clickbait to a manageable 3+1 Tips to a Healthy Marriage. That’s right, reader—bonus tip. The + 1 is really an appetizer—perhaps a pallet cleanser? Mostly because 3 tips is more clickable…take that Buzzfeed’s 19 tips. 

Focus Rob

Clients/friends periodically ask me for tools or tips for dealing with difficult situations or to have a healthy marriage. I am very clear with clients that tools are tips are great, but that’s not really what therapy is for. If you want tools and tips, get a book…or read Dr. Rob Porter’s ground breaking blog. And here you are! So, without further Buzzfeed ado, my 3+1 tips to a healthy marriage. 

Okay, maybe a little more ado. I’m keeping these tips VERY brief. Each one could really use a deeper dive, which we will do once we have the gear for such a swim. But for now, 3+1: 

1. Be the one to change
2. Manage your own emotions
3. Pay attention to couple patterns
4. Listen differently

Be the one to change

This one has to be first. You’ve probably spent a fair amount of time wishing your partner/spouse would just change a few things because it would solve so many problems. If you’re waiting for that, the relationship will stagnate real fast. Even if you feel you already have, swallow your pride and figure out what you need to work on to make the relationship better. Try extra hard to avoid thinking, “Well, I only do that because he/she does this.” 

Manage your own emotions

Forgive the cliche in this one. You can’t let your emotions drive you. People often don’t realize they are just responding to their own anxiety or hurt. The problem with the brain and emotions is that when emotions get too big, our behaviors tend to change (don’t believe me? Read Malcolm Gladwell’s new book). I don’t mean that when you get too mad, you explode—that might be the case. It’s possible you do the opposite—when you get too mad or too scared, you withdraw. Either way, your emotion is now changing your behavior, and thus your relationship.

Pay attention to couple patterns

You know how you can predict how your spouse will respond if you bring something up? That’s paying attention to couple patterns. In every conversation, you and your partner are talking about 2 things: 1. The thing you’re talking about (the dishwasher, kids, sex, etc), and 2. The way you are talking about it. Number 2 is tricky. It happens wordlessly…until it doesn’t and you end up fighting about it. Your job is to notice that you can feel yourself wanting to withdraw, or maybe to double down, AND to pay attention to what your spouse does when you do that. Focusing there will do more to resolve topics than resolving topics (this paragraph feels overly meta…eh. Could be worse). 

Listen differently 

I don’t mean this like Stephen Covey does. I don’t know. Maybe I do. He says (paraphrasedly) to listen to understand. Relational conversations are fraught with emotions (that’s not a bad thing). When emotions get high, we have a harder time communicating what we are feeling. Your job as a listener, then, is to listen for what they mean. It’s annoying, I know, but stay with me. Listen for the experience of what they say. If they say you’re never home, they mean they are lonely. If you respond to the loneliness, you actually address what’s happening rather than committing to be home more when you don’t intend to. 

Bring ‘er home, Rob. 

This list is short and needs more explanation, I know, but it does lay the foundation of what would be good communication and thus a healthy marriage. I wish there were hacks to marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just read Love Languages and our marriage just clicks? Having a better marriage is an ongoing process of continual learning and refinement. That’s what makes it so valuable to us. Don’t wait to try these tips out—you don’t need specific instructions. You know more than you think you do. Be a better version of yourself…and then come back and I’ll tell you specifically how to do that in future posts. Because I care. 

Now go tell your friends they should read this and that, “Number 4 will BLOW your minds.” Then forward it to Buzzfeed. Those two poor dudes probably need a break from titling.  

Rob Porter, Ph.D.

Couple Therapist

Austin, TX